Dishonesty and Danger in Daytona

In my red and white two-piece, I felt defiant. modern. cool. nervous. exposed. The suit wasn't itsy bitsy, but certainly more daring than my one-piece suits. I was 16 and had purchased the swimsuit in secret.

I was in Florida with my very tiny, very confident girlfriend and her family. We were in Daytona. It was spring break. My parents would never know and even if they did, I foolishly thought that their disappointment would be the only possible consequence.

We zoomed down the beach on our rented 4-wheeler, all laughter and windswept hair.

In the distance, very large, muscle-bound men started directing traffic on the beach. They looked official in their shades and there were so many of them. They let a quad pass, and another, and another until finally we pulled up and my heart was hammering. 

In an instant they surrounded our huge machine and lifted it off the ground. They taunted and cat-called. The smell of surf and sweat and beer assaulted us. They could have carried us away. The hundreds of people standing just steps away would have let them. Not! one! person! came to our rescue. In a moment of fear and bravery I didn't know I possessed, I punched one of them. It was a pitiful swing, but it caught him off guard enough that he dropped the quad and my friend gunned it.  

I don't remember a lot about that week, but I've never forgotten that very undignified moment. In this presentation, Jessica Rey states,

"Modesty isn't about covering up our bodies because they're bad, modesty isn't about hiding ourselves… it's about revealing our dignity."

I'll take dignity please. 

The Evolution of the Swimsuit - Jessica Rey

Hope Differed on Mother's Day

I started working at 11 - babysitting several nights a week. At 14, work was at a greenhouse. At 16, a movie theater. My senior year of high school, I worked 40 hours/ week. I worked every year of college, and several summers, I worked 2 full-time jobs. By the time I finished school, I was tired. Bone weary.

My relationship with my mother was broken. I was career-minded and self-centered. I decided that children were a responsibility I couldn't bear. I met a man who felt the same way, and we built a really wonderful life together. 

Through each day, month, year of my young adulthood, God kept drawing me. Growing me. Healing me. Healing my broken relationships. At 34, I was wiser, grounded, overwhelmed by thankfulness for the generations of hard-working women who came before me. And I came to this sudden, life-altering realization that I wanted to be a parent. I wanted to invest in the next generation the way my mother invested in me.

It wasn't to be. For so many complicated, not-worth talking about reasons, I'm 41 and not a mother. Most days, it's a benign question, "Do you have kids?" Or a slight slight when I'm excluded from a conversation. Some days, it's just a little inkling of an idea that people with kids only build friendships with other parents. Or that realization that the majority of Sunday School classes offered are for standard life stages and I don't fit into any of them. Then there are the outright assumptions that I must not like children because I don't have them. I take it all in stride and count the blessings that should outweigh that small hole in my heart.

Today, on Mother's Day, the ache threatens to derail me. Each passing year seems harder than the last. I avoid church and ignore the beautiful pictures and updates on Facebook. I hide my tears and seriously contemplate not writing this post because of the questions and the awkward conversations full of not-so-helpful, we-can-fix-your-problem solutions.

But God brings to mind all those women who may need to hear that they are not alone today. The woman who miscarried until she was 40 and then quit trying. The woman who started building a life, only to be widowed by age 35. All the women out there with the heart of a mother but no one to parent. 

On this day, I force myself to balance these 3 truths:

Hope deferred makes the heart sick. ~ Proverbs 13:12

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end;
they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. ~ Lamentations 3:22-23

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." ~ Jeremiah 29:11

If my only hope is in being a parent, heartsickness will overtake me. I could choose to live in this emotional place all day. Or I can choose to embrace the truth that if I trust the Lord, there are new mercies tomorrow morning and that God does have a plan that will provide a future and a hope. I can dry my tears, finish my chores and gut it out until Monday morning.

Glad Day 25

Day 25: If you could have dinner with anyone in history, who would it be and what would you eat?

This post, started this morning and neglected as one technical struggle after another gobbled through the minutes of the day, refused to be written. But then there was the orchestra and their glorious practice version of Christ the Lord is Risen Today. I quietly opened the sactuary door and leaving all my frustration outside, just listened, reveled in the gift of the Creator.


Christ the Lord is risen today, Alleluia!
Earth and heaven in chorus say, Alleluia!
      Raise your joys and triumphs high, Alleluia!
            Sing, ye heavens, and earth reply, Alleluia!


And so, on this Maundy Thursday when we reflect on the Last Supper, it's hard to think of eating any other meal with any other person.

The Last Supper - just a meal, a famous painting. But then on a cold, winter day in January,  I listened with my laptop speakers at full volume as the details of that last meal were demonstrated by Beth Moore at Passion 2013.

The deeper truths of the Last Supper have stayed with me... the reality that as Jesus took part in the sacred Passover, he had full knowledge of the coming events. Here are her words.

The entire evening begins to take on incredibly important significance. Here you have the lamb of the table and the Lamb at the table [Jesus Christ].

"This is the day that the Lord has made. We will rejoice and be glad in it." (Psalm 118) The Hebrew day worked from darkness to light. When Jesus was singing this (at the last supper), he knew that in the next 24 hours, he would give his life on the cross. And so he’s singing all days were made for this day.

Psalm 40:9 says "I have told the GLAD news of deliverance in the great congregation." The KJV uses the words Glad Tidings in Luke 1. We don’t just have Good News. It’s not just good news. It’s glad news.

What's the difference?

Good is a condition, glad is an emotion. Good is something that’s happened to me. Glad means I have gotten it. Until you receive it, you don’t really get all that he’s done for you and me. He has set us free from all the bondage and depravity and foolishness. All the bad decisions of our past.

He has come to set us free and I’m not just asking is this good news. I’m asking you, is anybody glad?

We don’t get it until your glad. Glad always has a reason to it. How are you today? Glad… Why? I’m glad because Jesus Christ has saved my scrawny neck. I’m glad because I’m not held accountable for the things that I cannot bear up under in my own life.

This is the day He will redeem you with an outstretched arm. And I’m glad. Here are some things I’m glad about:

Kids don’t have to turn out just like their parents, and I’m glad.
Our past does not have to be our future, and I’m glad.
His mercies are new every single morning, and let me tell you something. I’m glad about that.
The evil one will not get the last say, and I’m glad.
Our enemy will fall into the trap that He set, and I, for one, am glad.
For all those that love God and are called according to His purpose, everything has to work out for our good, and I’m glad.
We have not out-sinned God’s ability to forgive us and I’m mighty glad about that.
Christ will come back and He will claim His kingdom.
And there is a world coming where there will be no more bad news, no more crying, no more sickness, no more death, and I’m glad about that.
The last enemy Christ will slay is death and I am glad.

Psalm 126 says this, "The Lord has done great things for us and we are glad."